I see that I’ve written this year. I don’t remember ever posting. I remember the peace of January, then the darkness that bled into all of March. From last November onward I’d been working on healing myself physically. I also confronted my depression by finally addressing it with an anti depressant. Maybe that’s why I can now get up and sometimes do social type things.

Since when did I stop caring about BTS? I’ve been so very long deprived and perhaps distracted that I feel like Artemis. Going to the moon yet orbiting and never fully landing. I was not vibing with anything regarding their comeback. The songs were badly produced. The album cover and even pcs were lazy. It was trying to give off Be when it has no heart.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t vibe music. The guys are still the guys and they definitely shine even in the dirt. I wasn’t even having it with their Netflix first ever performance followed by a very dry documentary. I’m not used to watching low effort choreography although I suspect the choreographers did it on purpose, knowing they’d be various degrees of rusty.

Keep the bar low so everyone can jump it. Goyang was a production mess and things didn’t get better until they went to Japan. At least in Japan the cameramen did their job. This whole 360 stage is making me realize the only good seat is barricade and even then- not so good with the elevated stage.

Who’s making all these executive decisions? The MERCH is negative 5. It looks like a bunch of thrift store pickings at your local neighborhood emo store. There’s nothing on there that I would want, and they don’t have photo cards or even anything remotely related to BTS the group.

I’m not down with BTS the brand. I am criticizing all the decisions made around BTS. Not them as people. They’re diamonds. They really set the bar high with their last performance of Proof. Some part of me thinks they peaked right then and there.

Of course they changed as people. Perhaps the company is asking them to stop doing their “I’m your hope you’re my hope I’m hope” type acts. It’s a new chapter and mature. Is it the end?

My work life revolved around the vacations I paid for which is really to see and be with them. I can’t zoom out because when I do I feel apathy. There’s finally an upper limit and something called “too much”. There was nothing at first and then a big bang of content. Theres so much on Twitter I can’t even keep up.

I’m personally trying to keep up with my mind and regulating my nervous system. I passed on two shows in Jersey and that’s telling. I’ll always remember the time we were completely in love and in sync. Time and distance if enough creates changes in the heart. It’s so.

I don’t know when I stopped caring about my hygiene, hobbies, activities. I don’t know when I stopped caring as much as I used to. Na ninibago ba ako? Is it a case of time and proximity? Unsure.

I’m trying my best to keep those moments in my heart. The love and the excitement and the constant happiness we shared.

It’s odd because I’m going to ten shows. I’ll check back then.

Kerosine dopamine chemical induced.