So I saw a video of myself that I made for school a few years ago, and my first reaction was “she’s so confident and intelligent.”

My self concept and esteem have plummeted a bit since then, and I’m a little surprised at how I used to carry myself. It’s amazing.

BTS taught me there are eras in one’s life. I was looking at a past era, reflecting on my current one, and thinking about the future. I’ll try my best to make the next era the best era yet to come.

I think I’m a little wiser in realizing that “I’m not always this way.” It may be hard for me to believe, but there were times this year (and maybe in the past year) where I may have exuded confidence. I just need to raise my baseline is all.

It’s nearing the end of the year, and I’m both surprised and meh about being sick for the past two weeks. I had this whole mini-caytion in my head where I was going to have fun seeing my friends, and instead I felt like I was on my death bed.

It’s not dramatic. I was talking to myself last night about the pros of not surviving, of ending my life subscription here and now. I’ve never felt this physically sick from a cold. At one point I wondered if it would ever get better. Namjoon said he was sick for a month and Jimin was in bed for 5 days straight. So I feel like I’m not in the worst position, and I’m in their position.

How do I feel now? I’m still under the weather. I’ve improved in a sense that I can now breathe, but I know I shouldn’t push myself. Unfortunately I go to work tomorrow and that’s like 0-60 mph at the least.

I think I’ll prepare by relaxing, loading up on fluids, eating protein, and just easing myself into movement. I think I’ll be ok by tomorrow. It would’ve been nice to have an extra day off. But that’s ok. I have to move regardless.

I suppose every year is different. Last year i was still injured and incapacitated. I honestly don’t know how I breezed through all of that without a negative feeling.

There’s still small things I can do to wrap this year up. I can ease back into my crafting. That’s one thing. Mikrokosmos is still taking a back seat. I can keep in touch with my friends. There’s all these little things.

I’m not sure why I came on here. Usually my posts follow some coherent timeline, with a theme. I think right now I’m just saying things to say things. This isn’t really a post about confidence.

Oh. It’s been a week since the rest of the guys enlisted. I don’t know about them but I had a hard time altogether. Their most recent live was very comforting. It’s like an extended goodbye.

He said exactly what I needed to hear: I’ll be in and out. I’m going in quickly so I can come back fast. His business attitude about leaving and coming back leveled my own head.

Ha. So I guess this really is about confidence; since we’re talking about the King of Confidence. He’s got that dragon mask and that dragon mentality. I love that about JIMIN.

Anyway, I’m still laugh-smile-crying about it. I’m sure they feel the same too. It’s a heavier burden on them since they’re the ones who’s actually going into strict training.

I promised I would do the same. How can I train if I’m sick though? That’s the reason why I’m taking it easy. So that I can do things right, efficiently, and quickly like my man JIMIN. Thinking of him makes me smile. And cry.

My friends have been checking up on me. One of them is going to make me home-made soup. That’s so nice of her. It’s nice to give and receive (and I didn’t expect anything back).

I haven’t been spending much (except on food). Which is good. I hope Hybe gives me a break and releases free content. We all deserve that.

I’m getting back in the mindset for my hobbies and that’s a good sign that I’m recovering. My cold demolished me and I stopped reading, crafting, and doing anything. I’m surprised I’m checking in with you now.

I won’t think too much about it after this post. Why linger on the past situation. It’s all about taking care of myself now. So yes; I’ll bolus with fluids and treat myself to something nice. I’ll spend time with the guys on Weverse.

I need a hot bath. That sounds so nice…just dipping myself into some hot water. I’m still in the sick zone, so I can’t go out. It’ll be nice to do it once I feel better. It would be beneficial for me to believe that I’ll feel better. Which is true. This is a virus that will pass.

What else can I tell you? My younger dog’s head is bigger then her body. She’s always been unproportioned, with one ear dangling all the way back and the energy of an untamed kid. I spent a lot of time throwing her toy around. I’d like to think that we bonded.

I’m proud to say that my insomnia is more or less continuing on the resolution road. Besides yesterday, I’ve been really responding well to my medication. So that’s a beautiful ribbon I’ll be tying the year off with.

My uncle is coming into town too. I hope we can spend nice moments together. I’ll be finishing off the year in an administrative position at my job. That’s something to be proud of. Honestly, I think that my line of thinking cleared up and I’ve become (in some definite ways) better at my job.

I’d like to continue writing but this phone is suddenly heavy. So I’ll end this like Taehyung ends his Weverse lives— abruptly.

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It’s been a few hours and I’m back with more reflection.

You can’t always protect your energy. Sometimes it gets scattered only to come back to you with new lessons. That’s my elevated flow goal; is to let go when I have to.

Being sick took me out of all my activities, hobbies, and it was survival mode for a while.  My energy was scattered and now that it’s coming back, I’m trying to reflect on my lessons. 

1. This showed me that I have to get off the benzo if I don’t want future problems (withdrawal)
2. Thankful that my skin held on and stayed un-inflamed. It did well, and so I’m glad I treated it well.
3. Treat something well and it will treat you well. Like your body.
4. Wash my hands way more
5. Do things to support my immune system because preventative care is key
6. Sleep is always key 
7. Get off that phone