I didn’t know that Rack City refers to Las Vegas, particularly gambling. To me, rack city means racking up money. Racking up gold. So that lyric “Rack city. Rack rack city bch.” is my hype song for putting in all that extra overtime.

Last week was my second week back at work. I had to catch up on bills and make sure I pay my friends for Hobi’s concert. So I signed up for a lot of overtime. As Namjoon says, we all tend to focus on the negative side of things. I stirred the pot when I didn’t keep my promise and went home early twice. Then I put my boss in an awkward position by asking for overtime.

In my mind, this cancelled out all the extra work that I did. It shouldn’t be this way. Having a step back— I actually did something record breaking. I went to work every single day of the week. That’s an achievement. Finishing out this work week is an even bigger achievement given my lack of sleep. I fought the urge to call off because of my insomnia.

I showed up every damn day. That’s a record breaker for me. It hasn’t happened in so many years. I’m smiling a little thinking about it. And I made overtime. I made $1176 more than my regular pay. THATS DOUBLE TIME.

I am in rack city. I’m racking up that gold but at the same time Las Vegas is a city that never sleeps, and so am I.

Needless to say I came home on Friday overworked, on my period, and depressed. It’s all being exacerbated by my insomnia and sleep deprivation. So I know it’s temporary. Being this burned out sucks though.

I learned to look at overtime in a more realistic way. I’m signing up for hours that I can mentally do. And that’s still money. An extra $204 – $324 on my check. And hopefully it’s not taxed as badly as when I rack gold.

I learned that I need to be prepared in order to not burn out. That means SLEEP. It’s my semi-day off and so is tomorrow. I’m going to relax.

I’m dealing with a new type of depression called Depression by the Book. I’ve lost interest in watching TV, or doing hobbies. I can’t even look for BTS. What am I doing about it? I told my mom and a friend. I’m eating as healthy as I can. I cried it out a little. What’s most important is that I’m doing the hobbies that I can.

I’m writing to you. And I have also begun a new embroidery set. It’s a beautiful zig zaggy picture of the mountains and towers and what not. It helps me focus and be out of my mind.

My dad had some really helpful tips:

1. I need to accept that I’m working the whole day. Just accept it and it’ll be easier
2. I’ve done it before I can do it again.
3. If I haven’t done it before then it’s a new opportunity to learn. Face it head on with this mindset.

I did that with ODCC and vaginoplasty. I’m still socializing at work and working to keep my peace while providing exceptional care for my patients. I did good this week.

As far as asking for overtime, it’s always good to try to advocate for myself when it comes to coming in early. I asked and I shot my shot. Yes I feel a little bit bad about it, but at the end of the day time is money. And I should be compensated as much as I can try to be. So asking is a good thing.

Keeping in touch with my bosses is also good practice for communication. I’m learning how to address people and say what I want to say in a good way.

I asked and I received $360 extra for my time. my time is valuable.

As far as going home early— I needed to put my mental health first. I was burning out and I did what I needed to do to preserve my work life balance.

The above things are ways to reframe what happened. I’m going to read this over again later.

So what now?

I’m trying to be gentle with myself. I have to slow down. I am eating better. My priority is to take things slow and relax. I want to enjoy myself in whatever way I can.

Of course I’m prioritizing sleep tonight. Im going to have a light dinner and if I can’t sleep by 1130 I’m taking an extra dose of my medication.

Slowing down, relaxing, aromatherapy, talking, resting, eating well, and sleeping enough. Those are things I’m going to do and report back.

What I love about Namjoon is how he bravely tells it as it is. He doesn’t shy away from saying how much life can suck, and acknowledging stress and depression. That’s so cool of my Oppa. Anyway, Namjoon continues to be my top.

Green can be jealousy but most of all green is money, green is nature, green is go.

Rack city.