People think he has depression. I don’t know if he does, or if it’s anxiety. Anyway he’s my main image here because well, it’s a Segway into my commentary about The Forces of Nature. Mind, Soul, and Body.

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Mind

Back in 2020 I had an experience of feeling like I wasn’t breathing enough oxygen. I was hyperventilating and my body wasn’t responding to it. Taking deep breaths and feeling like you’re drowning in air is what I went through.

Then there was that time I lost control of my mind 9 years ago. That was a full trip and I don’t know why someone would voluntarily choose this by taking drugs.

Then in 2023 I had a very bad four day RSV that felt like it was three weeks and I didn’t think there was an end to the tunnel. I stopped taking my anxiolytic and experienced a full on body breakdown; withdrawal at 100 mph. I’m talking the shaking, the anxiety, everything.

Then in 2024 I got lost in depression. It was an acute depression that can only be described by the color black, and as a distressing feeling. I’ve been depressed before, but this time was months of tanking.

I couldn’t even exert any effort against the weight and force of my depression. BTS was there to catch me when I fell too deep. Particularly; the return of Seokjin highlighted the beginning of my recovery.

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Soul

There are benevolent forces too, depending on how you react to their presence. I’m talking about the changes of the seasons.

All my life summer has been my favorite (and only favorite) season. I hate the cold and the fall brings news of cold. But the past few years I’ve developed a liking to both fall and winter.

Fall temperatures aren’t that bad. And the leaves changing are wonderful. It’s nice to have a nature walk. My love for Starbucks, hot drinks like tea and cocoa and chai further encourage me to like fall. October is cute too. And thanksgiving my favorite holiday!

Then there’s winter. I still don’t like the cold, but if you bundle up enough it’s worth going outside! I absolutely adore everything Christmas and holiday. Bath and Body works with their candles has become my go-to sanctuary. I love the Christmas movies and Christmas TV series. I love staying warm indoors. I adore and look forward to Christkindle mart. And music, the music is so fun!

There’s always something to be had from whatever situation you’re in.

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Body

Another force of nature is the need to procreate, and damn- I got myself into a fast ball. So this guy, who was like a dream guy, well— he responded to my expert flirtation by loading me up with dick pics. He’s already gorgeous on his own, he’s always been. But now I know his body is bangin. And I want to bang it.

Im still trying to find myself through this storm and regain my own standards and morality. Below is an account of how I lost my mind to the force of a really hot guy. This man has me writing and rewriting as if he were a main character in my story. Poetry is dripping out of my brain.

This. This torrent of rain is so thick and the storm so wild that it blinded me, and all I could think about is how wonderful it felt to be talking to this man with no morals, and that’s infectious too. Then the obsession kicked in and this person stole my summer away without even knowing it. It’s now almost the end of July, and while I’ve stopped looking at his pictures and dropped replaying our conversations, I can’t stop trying to bait him. And I can’t sit on my hands.

This mf is a force of nature. I know some part of me is indignant that I allowed my obsessive thoughts about him to take me out of this world. BTS didn’t spend four years modeling and raising me up to not be able to step back from a storm. But here I am, disappointing Josh the Scientist because I can’t leave a brother with a girlfriend alone.

I thought I was above the mistress nature. I’ve been proving that I’m wrong.

So this is the biggest force of nature that’s hit me so far. Spring and the beginning of summer we’re swallowed up by the darkness, and most of the things happening in my mind swallowed most of my summer.

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The last week of this month is my only saving grace. I have another August vacation set up, and I’m trying to do the things that I do well. I don’t yet know if it’s time to germinate or to try to grow in the same condition as my pant Joonie.

I guess I have to do both. I learned not to apologize, not to explain, and to evade. I learned how to talk confidently. My dream was somehow materialized. Those are the minute positives of this experience.

What is my overall goal? To take back my summer. It’s within my nature to be obsessive about things I want and like. I am a force within a force.

How will it end?