I’ve decided that I’m not allowed to binge or watch an episode of Bridgerton until I can effectively take care of myself.

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Episode one: Coming out of the Shadows by Namjooning

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Coming out of the shadows is a monumental step. I’ve been in the blackness for so long that there isn’t really a “shadow” to come out of. Nevertheless I am going to journey into the light.

Namjoon takes care of himself by taking walks in nature, reading books, looking at art, and riding his bike. He writes out a work out plan. He exercises. He showers twice a day. He goes to work, and he works hard.

So these are my bench marks. I have to try. I realize they’re a lot, considering my current condition. But I’ve decided to define them anyway.

I also decided that doing one thing at 50%, 75%, and 100% count for a ✅. This is how I’m going to begin coming out of the shadows. I can’t do everything, but I will choose one thing and do it at 100% (or 50-75 on the days I need to slow down).

Doesn’t that sound like a good plan? My journey will not be written down in this post. It’s a lot, and I want to keep it private. I will however include any high lights, or points of learning. I’ll update this post again when I believe that I have fully emerged from the shadows. Thank you.

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I thought it celebratory enough that I lasted an entire shift out of the shadows to deem myself worthy of watching this first coveted episode. It seems as though I may have to set the bar low for the actual series too. I remain compassionate toward myself and my growing pains. I did what I could. Nay, I am doing what I can.

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Still on my way out. I went to a BTS event. I went to worship. I went to the park. I sat on a table in the living room. I put on a dress and jewelry. I’m still on my way out.

I suppose the nature of a shadow is that it never really leaves us. Mine comes in a tidal wave at night.

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“I’ll roll you to the moon.”

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05/23

It is done. Somehow through no direct effort of my own, my shroud has lifted. My mind is mine again. My emotions are as calm as a small lake. I am free.

I believe somehow deep inside of me that I am done and that this depression has ebbed and gone.

I really do feel like I am out of the shadows.

Nevertheless, I committed to checking off markers for health. I will use this better mood to be able to do that.

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False alarm. Still labile. At least I saw the end of the tunnel

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It’s now June. Things are better. Am I undepressed yet? I no longer have distressing and intense suffering type feelings. I went out today. I had to get stuff for the TXT concert I’m going to. I bought an album by Ten of NCT. That album and my first Stray Kidz album are really good.

Ten is a true vocalist and he carried that albums mid tunes. My Eonnie is right that Stray Kidz has a very specific wild and aggressive music type aesthetic. I’m becoming a true fan nonetheless.

I stopped taking the military go pills. I also gave into a night of complete insomnia. I have work tomorrow. I need to shower.

There’s some random shadow glitches that are happening in my life. It seems as if I’m turning to the past and clinging on to an AI type of reality. Is that a shadow too? I decided this morning I’m not going to emotionally charge my past exes. It’s the past.

I’m in the pseudo present. I had all these hobbies. I was reading, crochet, embroidery, painting. I had all these things. And now it seems so far away even if it’s just next to me.

My mind is easily overwhelmed. I still spend my days in bed, and I know I have to continue to come out of the shadows. It’s a good thing that I’m doing it sort of step by step. Kind of.

I just can’t believe it’s June. I’ve been in the darkness for so long that it seems like time has really passed me by (unlike last year or 2021).

June is Festa month. These two weeks are Festa weeks. I don’t know if I have the energy or mind chemicals to celebrate it. I’m hoping that me going to TXT and seeing my friends will help me out. I hope it launches me out of the shadows the way it did today.

I don’t want to call off anymore.

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6/4 – 6/8

It’s only been four days and I feel like I got my life back. I am out of the shadows.

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6/12

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6/16

I experienced a break through and started reading again.

I organized my PCs.

I spent time with my parents.

I watched a little TV

I played card games

I wrote Mikro and blogged too.

I have zero intention of calling off. On the contrary, I think I should be back at work. I’ve had quite an extensive break away, and that was used to celebrate, socialize, re-introduce myself to society, spent time with parents, feeling super happy about Jin’s return, fully celebrated Festa, and got myself up again.

I think reading is a real milestone for me, and it indicates freedom from that depressive episode.

06/19 I left the house to go out leisurely on my day off. That hasn’t happened since winter. Leaving the house at all, on my day off, is a big win for me.

I am out of the shadows. Thank you BTS.

I’m back. We’re together, and I’m out of the shadows.