I haven’t had a dream about a particular person for a while now. In fact I thought that I was cured of all dreams of him. But last night I dreamt about him so vividly. At least we weren’t “together again”. He was with his family, as he should be.

And me? I seriously hope that this isn’t some twisted Titanic situation where the last person I see before I die is the first person I let go of. That would be bad. I’d rather romanticize anything else. Anyone.

People say dreams are a way for the brain to process emotions, memories, thoughts, desires, and fears. I’m not sure what running into my ex at a bakery/cafe means.

Then there’s the “we’re together again in this universe” trope that my brain loves to play out and over and over and over. Out of every type of dream I have, it’s always that. Its always us reconciling. It’s always us being together again, and sometimes it involves his family accepting me too (or confronting them).

These dreams are so vivid that I believe I’m with him again and I don’t want it anymore because it’s out of the question anyway. So I’d like the part of my blood soaked soul/red string cut away from my soul connection with this person so that I can move on.

How do I move on from someone I didn’t fully let go of? My exes were simple; even the ones I truly loved— it was a case of time heals all wounds. But this entire decade of whispering that he’s the one and we’ll end up together hasn’t done me any good. Like, at all. The man has a wife and a baby now. Come on me!

People say writing an apology note might help, but I think it strengthens neural pathways. We “talked about it” last year and that was more for him, to give him the satisfaction of an apology that was rightfully his. Did I get to say what I wanted to say? Of course not because why would I say such things to a married man?

“I cheated on you and back then I didn’t care about the consequences. As I matured I realized you were the only one for me, and every year that I matured I thought to myself— I’m worthy of him now. I can treat him better now and we can have the love that we wanted together and that we deserved. In the back of my mind I always thought we would be together. I reached out to you sometimes out of grief and tribulation, but also with the hope that we would Re-establish a relationship that would evolve into something more. I’m not that person I was a decade ago and I would never cheat on anyone. I believe myself to be a very healthy partner who’s grown and matured. I deserve a second chance, maybe not with you— but with someone that I could have the connection that I had with you. I deeply regret it because looking back, you were the one for me.”

I wish I could clip clip all of it away. ✂️

Accept the finality of the loss.

Here is what I’m holding on to: my Roman Empire.

If I could manage to untangle myself and cast the line, they would be the line. No matter what happens these guys always make me smile. They’ve made my life so happy that it isn’t just a phase. BTS is a part of me. I wouldn’t mind having them tattooed on me, that’s how forever it feels to me.

The amount of help I’ve received regarding my self esteem, my happiness, my community, my adventures, and the impact on my life and wellbeing is immeasurable. I can safely say that none of my exes combined have ever made me this unbelievably healthy and happy.

Namjoon, Jung Kook

JIMIN

Jin, Tae, Yoongi, Hobi

They are my Roman Empire. And I’m sure that in this world they have impacted more than just me in the same way.

I’m just so happy to meet them. If I can focus on that, I can change the title of my life.

Mikrokosmos

So call me by my Name.