Military Enlistment day. I wish I could also call it a Me day, in a positive way. It was still a Me day, except all of me was either grieving or coping. In the morning I felt like crying. I held it in long enough for it to become a headache and mild chest pain. I confided in friends and family. Crying in the shower or into my food was a ship that sailed. But I decided to have a time-out in my room.

I placed cotton pads over my eyes, throat, and chest in order to cool me down as I semi-released my sadness to the beat of healing vibrations. I tried to cry it out. In the end I just felt it and tried to move on with my day.

How am I? Right now I’m drinking cherry blossom tea. It tastes nutty, which is how I feel. I spent most of today unwinding an rewinding my ball of crochet thread. I painted over my nearly finished dog portrait. At some point in time I felt relief from the grief. In between then I crafted some more. But before that I practiced my Hangul. I’m doing what I can.

I promised that I would go into training too. Training for me is obviously different from military training. I think it’s a continuation of my factory reset. I can’t just leave it alone, I have to keep going. Calling it discipline will make it feel hard, so I’m just saying I’m training. The next 18 months, I’ll be training.

I don’t exactly have a plan, but I do have the intention and a general idea of the things I want to upkeep-keep going. I’m on and off some books. I’m doing different things.

I guess the first real step would be to stop and pray.

This year is coming to an end, and I feel like it’s heralding a beginning. I want to begin again.

Begin. I want to begin.