I spent all day reading. I finished the 800 page account of Twilight from Edward’s perspective. At some point I just continued to read in order to finish it.

Today was my day off. I didn’t do much else. I stayed in my room all day even though it didn’t feel like it. My poor dog was having the shakes all day. She only calmed down when I gave her chill meds. I really need to save to get her seen.

Which loops back to work. When do I ever want to go? Like right now I feel the familiar undercurrent of depression. I wish I could be like BTS. I wish I could weather the storm the way Taehyung did in 2016 and most of 2020.

BTS is still such a big part of my life. Time moves forward with them, so sometimes I think that I’m living in the past. BTS is not BTS for now. I really miss seeing them as a group. I cling on to what I can.

If there’s one thing I’m doing, it’s taking my meds consistently at the same time. I’m on day three of good sleep and rest! How amazing is that? For me this bench mark is really something to be proud of. When I wake up in the morning, things are easier to process.

I feel like a sped up computer at work. I do a more effective job. Most of all, I don’t suffer the physical pain of insomnia. The headache and the palpable sleep pressure are gone. There’s clarity. I’m less stressed. There are so many benefits to sleeping early, enough, and on time.

I only wish that this 3 days turns into 365.

Namjoon said something or other about how I am not a book, despite my love of reading books. When I first read it on his story I didn’t get it. I didn’t take the time to ponder on it either. Namjoon is in his “live life in 3D” mode. For me it’s not that serious. I like to read. My life without books is like, I can’t even fathom it.

Reading and writing has become my more intellectual mode of escapism. Before it was watch movies and shows. It’s fine. I’m coping with my moods and I’m doing fine. Reading and writing are a part of me.

Writing is a part of me. It’s etched into my being. I don’t write for a living. I don’t sell books, or consistently make poetry.

I write for myself.

That type of intimate mindset is truly healing. Even now, as I post this seemingly inconsequential update about my day, I feel the freedom. I write about what I want to write about, when I want to do it. Even if this entry doesn’t fit the certain theme that I set up for this blog.

More than before I’ve been living my life in 3D. I go out and I make friends. I spend time outside of my room. I do things. I even have four new hobbies.

2D is good too. I can sometimes handle 3D. I mean, if the universe and Jung Kook were to ask me— I wouldn’t mind a little champagne confetti.

That would feel good, too.