05/31: ?
Is this love? Is this love? On days when the conversation lulls and we stare into our phones instead of being with each other. Is this love? When you’re upset and I’m upset and it’s hard to tell each other why.
It’s love. Because love is commitment. It’s being able to say “you’re my person. Salam.” And you will continue to be listed as my person in emergency contacts, because you’re the first person I know and trust in these dire times.
But nothing has to be dire or dramatic or even un-romantic. We can still share those smiles that make our hearts flutter. You dedicate a verse to me, and I write a chapter (or more) for you. We use our similarities to love each other; to make it feel like home.
The most beautiful kind of love is companionship that’s a team, one that works hard and plays hard: together.
I’m your person. I’m your girl. In this version and in the next, we connect. The TRIVIA simply lands on “how?”
I choose love. I chose you. No “?” involved.
I am your person.
06/02
Today the guys are pictured in complete formation, holding purple boxy presents. What’s inside the box?? Well, I’ve begun reading the book Midnight Library, and I am all about string theory (alternate lives) and Schrodinger’s Cat.
Schrodinger’s cat adage states “the cat inside the box is both alive and dead until you open it and see for yourself.”
Time to trigger your existentialism. All the BTS members are each holding one box. What does each member hold for you? What’s inside each box?
I’ll answer first (and edit later)
That’s what’s in my personal boxes with them. It’s almost 2am so I’m not all that creative. Wbu? You decide, it’s your “gift”!
For me it’s like, totally cool and possible that both realities exist, minus the Koo one which gives me indigestion. It’s a seed though and can eventually turn into an outcome I desire. That’s why you have to have faith.
A faith that moves mountains.
Something beyond the box.
06/03
and singing and having a blast
Last night I participated in watching part of Magic Shop muster (free courtesy of the Festa). I have it on DVD so I didn’t finish with ARMY. Same for SooWoZoo
But for my SooWoZoo, I made great strides. I finished the unlisted track as well as clocked in 1110 pages. That’s a milestone!
I can’t have popcorn because I already celebrated with cake. But I’ll see what I can do to sing and have fun today. Whatever I can view.
The next three blocks on this game called BTS Festa depict gifts. What’s my gift for the day?
Gift 1: Wisdom through Hair. Hair is important and significant to some cultures. I know it played a role in the Bible, some people braid it as part of culture and communication, and even use it for voodoo.
I always regarded hair in the mainstream way: hair is communication, and for making new changes and beginnings.
Now I know that it can signify the passage of time.
So that knowledge is my gift to myself.
Hair = time. Generally speaking, it’s for those who don’t cut it and just grow it out. I used to pay attention to JIMIN color eras. But now that they’re famous and don’t have to change their hair to be seen, I view time through length.
Jeon Jung Kook
Hair and time. Length and time. There was a lady who stayed in a cave for 500 days. When they let her out she thought she’d been there only a 100 days. Her lack of sensing time is because time is in one way, measured by memories. You can’t make memories in an isolated dark cave. So memory and time are correlated.
My insomnia affects my ability to hold on to memories. My depression prevents me from making new ones. And so the seasons pass, and it’s been two years since Jung Kook seduced me with his short hair. I recently came out of this cave looking at Koo’s long hair. Time has definitely passed.
That’s the gift I’m giving myself. My gift is to look at Jung Kook and realize time is measured by memories, and hair for some people. (Excluded are those that change hair every week or day). So this is for the most part related to Jung Kook.
He’s my prize. A human clock.
PS: the previous day I gave myself material gifts. Things I could finally afford!
and is written on the 8th of June
06/07 today’s post is unrelated to the Festa board game picture, because I slept all day instead of doing anything BTS related. Health is wealth and Jung Kook wants me to be healthy. So, today has been a gift. (Consider it backlogging from the previous 06/06 entry that I never posted due to my ironically insomnia)
06/07 continued: I did manage to watch Jimin’s beautiful performance of Letter. Congratulations to Jagiya on his Letter performance. It’s such a beautiful song and I intend to read it tomorrow.
June 8: I pushed the Factory Reset on my life. This absurd insomnia has to stop and I am actively declaring war on it. I was up until 5 AM for the second night in a row, and I missed work both days. Not sleeping is ruining me, and so I put a stop to it.
I stayed up today. I even went to church (another reset). I ate healthy, walked, read, socialized, got some sun and took my dog out for a walk.
I’m trying hard to keep my energy. Living is hard. Didn’t Namjoon or someone say that? So yeah, I have no choice but to try to overdose myself into sleep tonight. That means a 1030 cap on blogging, taking my meds on a relatively empty stomach, and ramping up the dosage. Am I really going to hit 400 mg?
Google says yes. My circadian rhythm is taunting me.
And let me state an observation: being separated has caused them to look awkward together. I wonder what the dynamics are behind the scene. All their group pics give off “I don’t want to be close to you / I don’t know how anymore” vibes. It’s just an observation, and I wish it wasn’t true.
Change is on the horizon regardless. It started last year and ended in waves this year for me. I’ve been feeling the need to spiritually change internally. And my insomnia has pushed me to a breaking point.
And so, factory reset.
I hope to wake up to a better day. Healthy, happy, wealthy, beautiful, and thriving.
Jeonin & Majuning 
Leave a comment