I’ve been having a writers block, that’s more akin to a writer’s STOP. A year ago I began this ‘firework endeavor’ to write a story (which is now nearing about 1000 + pages and in its conclusion stages).

But I have to admit that I’ve lost steam. I’m on writing on Empty. Life happened, my brain chemicals changed, and some feelings faded away. Now I have no energy and no passion to finish my story.

This story is my legacy and my life’s work. And yet here I am un-motivated to finish.

Namjoon likened his artistic process to building something brick by brick. In my own right, I am a Universal architect. Through my story, I have channeled an entire Universe into being, and I mapped out my stars. I know exactly how it’s going to end. The layout is clear.

And yet I can’t finish ‘brick by brick’. I can’t complete the outline of my home. Why can’t I? Because I don’t want to. Why don’t I want to? Because my feelings have changed. I’ve cooled off. So now the star that I built though fire has nothing left to keep it burning. Not nothing, but very little.

I might be gazing at a Star that’s burned out, and I never realized it. Or as Jungkook says; it’s the phenomenon of a Time Difference.

No no no. It can’t end this way!

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How did it even begin? What was my “Once upon a Time?” Let’s start from the beginning. I’ll allow my twin flame to explain.

Namjoon Kim.

He is a true artist. He said “you have to do art when you feel like you’re going to die if it doesn’t happen.” He captured my entire creative process in that one sentence. That’s how it all began: as just some thought that popped up into my head— which turned into a story that I needed to churn out or I’d die.

I wrote. Then I feverishly wrote. Every day I was spending 8-14 hours straight just writing, AND LOVING IT. That was my vintage year of 2021. Then this year I (not-as-feverishly but) with the same kind of passion edited away. The hours that I spent writing were roughly the same, but more infrequently.

Now it’s December and I’ve reached an editing END point. There’s nothing left to do but to write the story forward and to conclude it. I ‘talked to Namjoon’ about it and this is what he said:

I recorded above video and listened to him talk about this a few times. And what he said was simple.

0. You have to be a human before you do some art.

1. “Whatever else” is going on in your life, digest it in any way that you can.

1. Only do it when you feel like you’re dying to do it.

2. You have to have a reason to do it.

Ok. So what’s my reason? My initial reason to write was driven by romantic love, passion, ideals, and happiness. These are things that have changed. Therefore, I affirmatively reject these initial motivators as a reason to finish this story.

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Here’s a poetry break:

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Your Closer is casting me Farther away. And now I’m in a Sea of blue. When once upon a time: there was only you.

You saw me drown, and cast the first net. That both saved and trapped my heart when we met.

So you set me free in this ocean alone. You said “Better to swim than to stay so alone.”

Now what am I to do with this all of this Blue? At night it looks Black without all the stars. Without the boat and the home that is you.

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That’s a poetic way of saying I semi-got dumped so how am I supposed to finish a love story?

And yet I will finish our love story. What’s my “g-damn reason”? The glimmer of hope is love. When I say love, I’m not sure that it’s romantic love anymore. I don’t know what kind of LOVE it’ll be that pushes me forward to end this story.

As the 90s song once said “Everybody needs a little time away from each other. Even lovers need a holiday from the ones that they love.”

How much time will I take? I was originally planning on being done by January, and concluded by July 2023. Namjoon started his body of work in 2015 and didn’t finish until 2022. I’m hoping it doesn’t take that long for me because my ovaries can’t wait.

I need to move on. Whatever on may be. I suppose I’ll start from ground zero and try to be a human. As in, try to live my life outside of my life’s work. However that plays out, and however I digest whatever I need to digest.

It’s your move UV2.