Eat this not that is a good mindset for me, because I have an addictive tendency and a penchant for not sticking to goals.

I lost weight last year because I was determined, purposeful, and mindful. This year it’s like: I start off with oatmeal and eggs with fruit, then end the day with hot Cheetos and three donuts.

WEIYO?!

I accept myself for the state that I’m in now. I applaud myself for trying. Trying is an achievement in itself.

Then there’s things I feel that I can’t control at all: RI. My roaring insomnia. Now that I’m disabled and on medical leave, you’d think I’d take the time to work on sleep. I say I will. Then I lose motivation and toss it in the back burner, because reward dopamine is telling me to stay up and do feel-good things, powered by anxiety. All the while I keep a vigil with blue lights and tik tok.

I’m not sure man. Maybe I need to enter behavioral therapy. I woke up at 930 today and it’s been like longest fcking day of my life. I’m not complaining, it’s just oddly long compared to the rest of my conscious experience. I don’t know why, and I’m not going to analyze.

What I did realize is that I have a restless mind mixed with a touch of anxiety. My soothing mechanism is to flood myself with blue light phone: looking stuff up, blogging, etc. I do anything to ease the restlessness, even if it’s feeding the insomnia demon what it wants. Therein lies the problem. Poor coping and a strategically endorsed ineffective attention span.

I’m pleasure seeking. I’m restless. And I find comfort in things that aren’t healthy for me. Add a sprinkle of anxiety that’s where I am.

Now what?

1. Chill out

Blog on paper, read books, just Be. Anything but the damn ineffective coping behaviors I’m going with right now. Eat this not that mindset should be adopted. How would it curb a habitual person? The “this” has to be comparable to “that.” And as of now I find nothing more soothing than being on my phone until exhaustion.

Yeah. There’s are my unabridged thoughts at 2:38 in the morning. I’m GOING to sleep in and take naps tomorrow. I have to listen to my brain and not it punish it—especially since I’m injured.

Weiyo? 😭

My minds more creative at night and in the morning. Writing flows.

I’m going to change my energy field tomorrow and do something completely different. It will be radically surprising and something the universe will be forced to respond to.

That’s my intention. I am manifesting good things. I have to shift to either side of the ampersand.

🙋🏻🌈🥰

On the great side: I accomplished so many things today! I read my books. I cleaned up a little. I went to the park with my dad and worked out my arm game, while sitting in the sun. I watched a touch of tv. I went to church (wow). I even worked on Black Swan! I varied my diet with dairy, Turkey protein, beans, and apples. I snuck in those donuts, but a win is a win. I POOPED A SOLID. I blogged two entries in one day. I enjoyed the TXT merch I bought. I’m processing and introspecting. I kept up with the guy I’m talking to. I smiled. I realized the need to align my body. I drank milk and orange juice.

Acknowledging the cons: I ate 3/6 donuts and spent more on chips. I wasted food: grapes and a Turkey sandwich. Epic reverse uno card: eat this 🍩not that🍇. I let my roaring insomnia run wild by taking my medicine late and just being inattentive: because Tik tok made me that way.

So I had more victories then losses!