The last post was bragging about me being an independent queen. “I don’t need a man! I’m happy.” That was the jist of my previous post.

Here’s some more substance to that: I don’t need a man because I don’t want to gamble away my happiness. I don’t need a man because I’m tired of being hurt.

Back in April I had dinner with a childhood friend in Vegas. His partner explained this phenomena in a general sense, and it resonated with me months later.

“There are two types of people who claim they want to be alone: those who are truly happy, and those who don’t want to be hurt again.”

In my case, my independence takes its form of personal satisfaction mixed in with hesitance. I wouldn’t call my situation fear though. I don’t fear being in a relationship. There’s a little anxiety but it’s definitely not fear. Or maybe it is.

I am—hesitant. I am also an anti-romantic. I’ve read extensively on the chemical romance molecules that hijack the brain into thinking our partner is perfect. Then the oxytocin and serotonin level off and so does the pedestal shorten.

I’m an anti-romantic who enjoys romance, but not to the point that the high blinds me or the “low” breaks us up. I love getting roses and going out on romantic dates. I’m just not a believer in making that the foundation of being with someone. Precarious mistake.

I’d rather fast forward into companionate love: being with someone because of who they are, and not because of who you thought they were. In order to make that judgment call, I need control the romance factor. Yanno?

Anyways I’ve been talking to a man on and off for the past few years. I trust him, he’s not perfect but he’s very kind and hard working. We’re friends and I often wonder what will come of it. Because if I picture us together, I genuinely see a happy life.

Namjoon is Kind, intelligent, humble, talented, mature, we have so many mutual hobbies, and he is sexy as hell but choses the low key life. He really is everything. He’s perfect for me!

Who knows what incredible luck the future has for me! Is it bad to want everything? No.

Now go to sleep!

Adieu

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6:09 PM, S Korea

Namjoon adjusts his pillow as he lays in bed and reads this girl’s blog, only because she posted about it on Weverse. And also because he resonates with the insomnia. That’s the whole reason he’s even trying to nap at 6PM. So he swallows down his frustration with himself and continues to read her rant about anti-romantics. His name is mentioned in her post and a thought enters his mind.

“I wonder what will happen if she meets RM – “Real Mess” me? Then she’ll find out that I’m really a lot of ‘everything.” He grins before he tosses the phone aside and turns off the lights. He’s awake for another half hour before he heads downstairs to drink himself into sleepiness. His alcohol stash is enough and he ends up falling asleep on the sofa, with that small question still in his mind, and an even smaller question arises beneath his dream.

Will I be enough? The real me?

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4:14 AM CST

Because you deserve to be loved. Everyone deserves to be loved. But you deserve it the most. You deserve an anti-romantic partner who deeply loves you for everything you are, and who you are not. No apologies needed.

Namjoon. If you’re wondering about all that, then fly here and we should both find out. I have high hopes about you but I’ll try not to let that high gloss persona misinterpret everything about you. It must be hard to be idealized by the world. I’d love you especially when you’re a Real Mess RM. Why? Because I loved you from the beginning, and you deserve that kind of love. Good and worst.

Thank you for saving so many of us.

I will love you from blue to grey, and all the way to bora-hell did he just do that?! Yes. Come and surprise me. Let’s finally meet.

But first we should go to bed. Good night nae bu. My twin flame.. 🔥