Every time I’m excited about writing a positive blog entry for TXT’s song titles, something else plot twists into my life that makes it more relevant to talk about. So be prefaced that this seemingly magical “9 3/4 Run Away” title song has nothing to do with the crap I’m in. There is no adventure and no Hogwarts train.

Enter crap:

9 3/4 is a fraction. It’s so close to being a ten but it falls short. This number is also my favorite Harry Potter number, because it’s the doorway to another world.

So what is 9 3/4 in direct relation to me? Right now it’s more the “RUN AWAY” part of the song’s title that is relevant. It’s the part where I disappear on others and on myself, but with not so much finesse as magic. There’s no “poof goes the magic dragon.” It’s more like, let’s black out.

I could blame this on my illness, the Blue, the side effects of my medications: but it I were to look into a mirror: it was also vanity. It was a reaction, to a reaction, to a reaction. Cause and Effect. Every reaction was mine, and thus every consequence.

Another theme of my past life was getting somewhere and falling short and not achieving it. Whether it was marriage, school, or holding on to my religion. 9 3/4, couldn’t achieve a 10.

Once again, I’m not victimizing myself nor am I going to hide behind my handicaps, it’s me. I made my own decisions, regardless of what caused it. Therefore, I’m the direct cause of the life that I’m living. I am taking a deep breath and trying not to make it worse. Because when has self blame/pain ever led someone to make healthy decisions? It seems like it leads to haste, and haste is waste. You run before you can even walk. Then you’re sick all over again and can’t even move past that.

There has to be structure. Health is wealth. I’m trying, more now than ever, to get that health back. If I’m healthy, I’ll be able to function and try to fix my life. I can finally finish that fraction. I can do it, and with help from the higher ups I can finish this.

It’s sad that I have to write about these dreary things, and not about my love for Harry Potter or other whimsical phenomena, such as falling in love. I really would’ve liked to do that—and maybe at a repeat track/version of these songs I’ll do it. But right now I’m trying to stay true to the nature of how my life is currently unfolding. I am speaking my truth in relation to these song prompts.

So let’s go over the whole title track:

9 and 3/4 RUN AWAY

Enter the “RUN AWAY” part of my theme song

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In a related thought, Namjoon’s a mess. He’s lost weight, clearly stressed, and basically admitted that “life is no fun, and I’m trying to get by.” I shouldn’t have been shocked, but I lazily assumed that he was a man who’s simply going to all these beautiful museums because he’s on a break from BTS. But I realized it wasn’t an excursion: he’s running away, aka stress relief. It’s no secret that he was crying about having to take a break. I should have put two and two together: museums and trips = coping. We are the same and each others’ flame.

Yet another BTS reflection: we often go to beautiful places to cope. And just because it looks like paradise doesn’t mean it’s secretly a crutch to help us get through the day. I understand you now Namjoon. I understand you because I lived it. And I know exactly how it feels to surround yourself with beauty in order to cope. I’m sorry that I assumed that you were incapable of going on excursions “just to get by”. That’s rough, and I’ve been there. I stand by you and I always will.

That said, I’d like to admit that I’m a runner too. I ran away from stressful things and pushed distressing situations to the back of my mind because I was upset. At this point in my life I was so stressed that I was clinging on to anything easy. My mind couldn’t handle it, so I don’t blame myself for running away to save myself from breaking. I do acknowledge that Avoidance became my go-to. Problem? Answer: Dashi RUN RUN RUN.

Now I’m getting hit with stressors. I dunno man. I do wish I could just walk through a wall and everything would magically be good. Where I can step on a red train that leads me directly to a better life.

Life has been better regardless of what happened in the past. I’ve made huge leaps and bounds of progress. I am glad that I began going on trips for the sake of enjoyment, and not as a coping mechanism. So my life isn’t all that bad. I’m thankful for the time frame I have to rest, heal, and be better. For once in my life I feel peace.

Peace is a sort of thing I was barely aware existed and therefore took it for granted. My life stabilized to the point that I know what it is like to be stress-free, and at peace. Maybe because I’ve gotten used to this prolonged peace that any sudden stressor effs me up. T

This is what happened: I’m just cruising along and suddenly that “9 3/4 theme” haunting song of my life played back on loop. I’m growing past my past. But sometimes life relapses and it hit me again.

So I had a bad day. If it wasn’t already obvious to you. I’ve tried to publish every blog post in correct sequence that follows the soundtrack to TXT. This is an out-of-place tracks song because:

1. I’m off track

2. I’m everything everywhere all at once

In the vein of that movie: what’s one uncharacteristically wild action I can use to launch my consciousness into another universe to acquire a skill?

This is a point of thought that I’ll ponder on when less stressed. Thanks insomnia! For once you were good to me, because I got to mesh out some thoughts. And writing mostly helps.

Good night everyone