This story is about water. And it’s for you. I’ll preface this by saying that you’ll enjoy reading this more if you’re an ARMY. I also wrote it powered by insomnia. I’ll try to minimize my tangential thoughts by minimizing the font.

But here goes: Water.

Lately I’ve been into studying the properties of water. I haven’t finished this book that explains how water might hold memory. Someone asserted that the energy we give to water forms different types of snow flakes. Good vibes = pretty flakes and opposite = chaotic flakes. It’s new age stuff, much like the rabbit hole I’ve fallen into on “vibrations”.

My body is 70 percent water and feeling pretty low. I feel a low vibration and I suspect it’s because I’ve been avoiding the real topic: spirituality. All my life “the Creator” (who works the universe and is probably the universe, dependent on what you believe) has been very kind. If anything, any turbulence experienced in my life has been a direct consequence of my own resistance to flow. I chase. Chasing has been my go-to. And while it’s good to put in effort, it’s maladaptive to force things into being.

I realized this when I ran into a Japanese rain-drop cake. It’s been something I’ve wanted to taste for years and I let go of the notion of ever tasting it. At the time there wasn’t any place other than Japan that served it. Believe me, I searched. Well lo and behold, I forgot about it and it came to me six years later. I was able to enjoy the Sakura flavor today. What’s the point of this anecdote? These things, let’s identify them as blessings, have come to me without putting in too much effort or even effort at all. Whether it’s rain drop cakes or loving parents, it comes like rain. For example:

1. Unconditional love. This is something utterly amazing and incomprehensibly valuable. I experienced in my life. It’s more than gold or riches or anything and everything. Love. And it came even before I was born. How amazing is that? It’s forever and unchanging. That’s a lot to be said in a world of constant flux.

2. BTS entered my life when I needed them the most. I know that compared to unconditional love this example of finding a boyband to fawn over looks silly. But they made me SMILE, and utterly happy when I least expected to be. They came without force. They taught me and I learned life lessons. They pushed me to push my own limits, taught me to get what I want even if I don’t have any help. I also learned to forge my own happiness.

It’s okay to reinvent yourself, according to them. Love yourself. Take breaks. They (mostly Namjoon) model what it’s like to have a good man, what I deserve. There’s so many things I’ve benefited from being an ARMY. I’ve made friends and learned to make healthier friends. So I consider BTS the rain in my life. It’s more than just music and entertainment. It’s happiness for me.

The dark side to letting BTS rain on my parade is debt and a certain maladaptive yearning for, as J-Hope would call it: more. They taught me what it means to go against flow too, and I’ve tormented myself with the stress and consequence that go along with the act of desperation. The addictive acquirement of material things and chasing “impossible” to get barricade concert tickets are the main examples of my woes. Even forcing “impossible scenario” of being around them turned me into a wacko groupie. That’s some chasing, son…

All of these “seemingly impossible scenarios” are now my metaphorical rain drop cakes. It’s not truly impossible. Seokjin once told me: “There are things we can’t control, like will it rain today?” I’d like to extend that to “where will it rain and on whom?” On me. That’s right, me.

Rain is definitely inevitable, and I’ll hope it’s on me again. I’ve had the experience of looking up at the sky and having one raindrop fall into my eye. So anything’s possible, statistically speaking.

Chicago is a place that BTS frequents when they can be anywhere else in the world too. How amazing is that? It’s even cooler to say that I’ve visited the same places they have. I’m so close to meeting them, and yet the water slips through my fingers! I need a cup.

Where is all this “hey look, I get what I want” ranting seemingly going? It’s moving back to flow. Everybody talks about manifesting which is probably another word for flowing with faith. Ask, believe, receive. There’s nothing in that recipe for “let’s add stress.”

Back to the point. Example 1 (rain drop cakes) HUGE example 2 (unconditional love) and Example 3 (BTS) are all blessings I ran into without really emotionally charging it with the feelings of “force”. God, the universe, is good. So why not be 70% water and just flow?

It’s 2:09 AM and my thoughts are totally disjointed. To me it makes sense. What if the answer to getting what you want (and need) is to trust the process and generally be a good person who doesn’t force things. Good things flow when we allow them to.

The enigma that’s escaped me is a healthy romantic relationship. I should flow with the idea that what I want isn’t a specific person, but perhaps a specific situation. Even if this idea isn’t 100% accurate. I do want who I want. Regardless of whether or not it’s the healthiest thing. Meh, I’m human.

Part of being human is to experience lows, and insomnia, and to need help. I think help comes in the form of people I love, and doctors who can help me shake this chemical imbalance. It would be a lot less stressful if I stopped fighting against it, and simply do my best as my best allows.

I want to begin a love that lasts. I want to be certain about my soul. Losing weight wouldn’t be so bad either. These are my versions of rain drop cakes. It’s a balance of effort and flow, just like how the heart pumps fluid blood.

Have I been too spacy? I wanted to write this for you. Because I promised you that this blog would be about things I wrote for myself, and then also for you. It isn’t as coherent as I’d prefer because my ideas are flighty (blame the first draft). But I hope that something in here resonates with you too.

Maybe my core lesson this time around is to flow, not passively, but in a way that doesn’t stress me out. I grew up. I learned about healthy love.

I want things to happen for me. But how? I suppose my plan will be to eat healthier and focus on listening to my body. Perhaps I will spend more time packing less activities in on my days off. Definitely stop spending. What do you think? Are you willing to take this journey with me?

It’s okay to feel deep and have shallow moments. Or maybe times where you’re afraid you’ll drown in an ocean. Water can be bad too. I’m seeing things from both angles.

There’s a lot of work I have to do with moving Mikrokosmos forward, and getting rid of that stagnant energy.

So the buzz words: flow versus force. Water, Vibration. Spirituality. Life lessons. These are the things that I attempted to talk about with you tonight, even in soliloquy form. It’s really for you and us.

Thank you for taking the time to read it. I hope that things are clear in your life. And that you’re blessed and happy.

Adieu💦❄️☃️