For the past five or so years I have been on a rollercoaster ride when it comes to sleep. I wasn’t sleeping at all, then I was sleeping too much. And here I am, powerless against insomnia. My inability/ lack of willpower to sleep has plagued me all year. It’s caused so many physical headaches that I’m surprised I was even able to function at work.

I feel like shit every morning. And yet every night my brain says “I don’t feel like sleeping. Stay up.” It’s been the worst these past few days. I’m literally wide awake way into the night. I’m consuming higher doses of medications to try to reset my brain chemicals and it’s not working. And my problem is behavioral too. Partly.

I read about salience today. I think it’s a fancy word for significance. We attribute significance to things that directly impact us. Certain things are more salient- such as the cop that’s following you on the road versus just any regular car behind you.

I’m just rambling. The salience paragraph is an afterthought and has little to do with this sleep rant.

It’s my top priority to get my sleeping habits under control. I’ve suffered too long and I may relapse if I lose too much sleep. This is what my logical brain says. I don’t know about the rest of me. I literally ordered ten bags of chips without giving it a second thought, if that gives you any idea of where my sense of control is.

The lights are off. The pills are in. And here I am journaling myself into relaxation. I don’t know if this is more stimulating than it is relaxing though.

Back to sleep: when I was very depressed I was reveling in it. I loved to sleep. I craved sleep. And now it’s like I fight against it and I don’t know why. Its like my mind is constantly seeking stimulation and pleasure. “Don’t sleep. You need more.”

Where’s my happy medium?

My dreams used to be so vivid too. Now they’re just logical, kind of.

Regardless I need to get a handle on sleep. Like, seriously.

Seriously, good night.